Preface

I used to have a blog under this domain, but due to some transfers, all of my posts disappeared. Ironically, I am a developer who just managed to lose all of their data. Well, I could have gone back to get it, but it’s not as if anyone is reading these, so I might as well leave it behind. I don’t want to write too many elaborate posts as this domain will soon die. I am debating whether or not I should let the posts that I make on this website die with it.

Changes

From my last website, I have brought up the numerous failures that I had with breaking my addiction, anxiety/depression/insomnia episodes, and had little to no successful posts. That previous domain was a space for me to write all of my complaints, so don’t be surprised if I do the same on here. I used to have a therapist that I would talk to here and there whenever my insomniac episodes appear, but given that I am now done with school, off another insurance, and have no way to talk to a therapist without paying hundreds, I just rely on dumping my trauma online or to myself.

I never thought of coming back here, because I have a problem where I need to be setup before doing anything. It can be a huge nuisance. It isn’t just about how things are setup online, but it’s also how are setup outside in my environment. For example, the way that I sat did not feel write because the keyboard was too much on the left of the screen. My wrists just felt uncomfortable. However, due to not requiring to use a mouse for writing, I decided to move it away. The same thing can go with my music. If it isn’t music, then I require some ambience externally that isn’t too distracting, or I require music that fits my mood but isn’t too distracting. I can never adapt to my environment, and always require to change the variables to be comfortable. It’s annoying, frankly.

Previously, I wrote about my addiction, and how I relapsed quite often. I had a porn addiction, so it was quite frustrating to relapse, and unpleasant to go back to it. However, ever since I got a girlfriend 3 weeks ago, I stopped cold turkey. It has been a true journey, but it has been scary because it has been the longest streak that I ever gone without porn in 7 years… basically, since the time that I discovered porn. Not many friends know, and my girlfriend does not know about it, either. I feel relieved, but I am experiencing a lot of new feelings. Emotions that I have never felt, and are quite uncomfortable. It is quite unfortunate that I did not grow up with a clean state of mind, but it is never to late to quit. I really like my girlfriend, and I do not ever wish to end up like some sort of degenerate with sickening thoughts. I have always objectified women, didn’t see them for who they were. I am glad that she agreed to be with me, but it pains me for the person that she chose. I choose to change, and be the man she utmost deserves.

There are experiences that holds me back the most, though. Anxiety, depression, insomnia, and hate is what holds me back the most. I heard somewhere, maybe a Youtube Reel, that women take up the majority as therapists, so a man talking to a woman about their problem is different as talking to a male therapist because men have different ways of understanding their own emotions. I don’t know. I really like having female therapists because of kindness. I have always sought kindness. I always wanted people to be kind to me. Henceforth being a people-pleaser!

Living

Now that I live a life without porn, I genuinely do not know where to go from here. I will admit that I do have pornographic thoughts here and there, but as the days go by, the less thoughts of those I have. I do, sadly, get erotic thoughts when I am near attractive women. Not as bad as before, but it still lingers around. Attractive women is something that I will never escape from, so I should just see them as I see any other ordinary person. The shape or looks from a woman shouldn’t bring up a bias of how I act or talk to them. I am confident that as time moves on, and I do the right things, then these are things I won’t worry about. As of now, it’s just time to learn and not fall back to the temptations.

Life is only temporary. Every thing that I have, everything that I do, all of it is only temporary. It either is forgotten or becomes a piece of my or someone else’s memory. The people around me is part of that, too. I am too old to hold onto the people that do ill and should keep those who do good. The same goes for the habits that I do. I have a bad habit of trying to escape everything because I am afraid that I would be too attached. Even with my family, I try to be as far as possible so that I don’t get too suffer the worse – incredibly selfish of something to do.

I don’t know where to go from here. I am 25 years old, I have a girlfriend who is going to continue her own track, and I fear that I will not be part of that, although I prefer her to keep moving forward to her best ability given how special and intelligent that she is. As for me, well, I just got my bachelor’s, have a job that pays minimum, and that’s about it. I have no hobbies, not that many friends, and I just laze around all day. I complain everyday, especially about sleep, and always wish that I could just move away. Remember that at the beginning of this post I mentioned about creating the perfect environment before work? Well, this life that I currently live, regarding living with my parents, being in this damn California heat, and not having any prospects just kills me. I have always lived a life of conditions and fantasies.

O’ how I desire the most to live in a 1-bedroom apartment in the Bay Area with surrounding friends, cool temperature, safe neighborhood, and an apartment that is the right temperature so that I can sleep well at night.

That will not be true if I were to remain the same who I am today. There are goals that I must do with my life. There is a man that I need to become to be with my girlfriend. There is a son that a mother and father wish to see thrive in life. I am tired, exhausted, but I still breathe and function properly. I have never wished to take my own life, I only wish to see where I can end up in life. That takes work, diligence, discipline, and connections.

If life were to be meaningless due to death, then I want death to be meaningful due to life.